It is morning. Those are the worst. I should get up. Alone.
More than likely it was also an unforgettable experience for you when you logged on to the net the very first time. Initially, all of us were overwhelmed by the abundance of possibilities. Then as we became more familiar with the use of the world wide web we come across one of its most exciting potential: the joy of meeting other people. In order for such meetings to be made simpler there are a number of sites on the net that facilitate finding friends and partners. In Hungary one such site is - in my opinion the best - is operated by Deltasoft Ltd. called BuliNet.
The following thoughts first occurred to me on March 2, 1998, the day I've registered myself on the BuliNet. My initial nick was CSE which I've discontinued after the initial ‘break-up’ suffered. There were many descriptive nicks with appropriately changing descriptions of height, weight, education and marital status. There were a number of different results - I've met a girl with whom we've only corresponded, another who actually got married to someone she met on BuliNet. There were easily and some not so easily forgotten contacts and yes, for a brief time even the long awaited love had arrived. There were many things to experience, some I thought I would die from. In summary: I love you BuliNet.
Much of human literature addresses humanities greatest peace time tragedy: loneliness. On a worldwide basis (including Hungary) approximately one third of the population lives or have suffered from loneliness. The numbers are staggering. Even our Jewish-Greek-Christian traditions can't seem to improve on the condition.
The economic upsets of the past decade appear to have made things worse. It is especially difficult for the generation that stepped into adulthood during the past decade and a half. The forced capitalization of Hungary resulted in a tremendous degree of force and selfishness. There were enterprises that flourished, went under some as time goes by had become stronger but at the cost of robbing the participants of their free time. In a way of illustration it should suffice to say that the government had not expended as much money on the youth of Hungary between 1989-99 as they did during one year in prior years. Completing one's education without working to earn tuition had become an illusion just as ever being able to afford an apartment by working at an honest job. As a residue of this situation it is especially relevant that opportunities to meet and mingle had all but disappeared. The company sponsored clubs of the previous era disappeared. The less fortunate can not afford the plentiful chic but expensive gathering places and we've not yet considered the clothes it would take to appear there. Social mobility became virtually non-existent as it is virtually impossible to cross age and economic barriers. This fact alone could deprive millions from a feeling of belonging, cooperation and a better quality life.
Among the crisis of the ending century is something that very much affects couples. There are fewer and fewer examples of a complete love story or a supportive community. Although we do not take our cue from movies, one would be hard pressed to find a movie where you see a couple meet, get to know each other and then come to complete their love. Instead, and this is especially true for American movies, we see a beautiful, well dressed couple meet and immediately proceed to bed without taking the time to get to know each other. Is it any wonder why the movie Shakespeare in Love was such a hit? At least in the story the audience could identify emotionally with the actors. We've taken our desire to possess and transplanted it into our relationships.
Surprisingly enough with all of this exterior change there appears to be very little change in the perceived roles within the couple. The signs of attempted emancipation unfortunately remain just that: signs. The social perception still sees a married woman forced into a domestic role and for the husband to support his family. In other words, men should be men. Women should be: attractive, preferably young - a servant of her husband his whore, the mother of his children and although pretty much as a slave, but she does get to enjoy the spoils he provides. Perhaps the only real change is that it is also acceptable for the woman to be in a role of initiator of a relationship.
The internet can't really change society but merely mirror it. Ironically, a good job or education is almost a requirement because that means internet access or the ability to afford it. We can not talk about equality, democracy here.
If anyone uses the internet for anything beyond technical information they are required to learn not only the technology but also the etiquette. The latter is most difficult as it is still being formed. The reason the formulation is made difficult is because contrary to all tradition we are without identity/accountability on the net. Anyone can surf, and while this in itself is not a bad thing, we are simply so new at it that we do not quite know what to do with the possibilities.
Those who are new to the web and enter here may have a bit of a difficulty as there are no guidelines to help the newcomer. There is a questionnaire to fill out which is not terribly difficult although limited in many ways by providing limited options from which to chose a response. It would be helpful to get more specific information about people especially if you are hoping to meet. The majority of the girls are prone to appear simply to be complemented and flirt. It is virtually impossible to differentiate these from those who are here to actually meet someone. There is no explanation about the service or even how to add a photo and with the recent changes in the BuliNet format one may be frightened of the final result that may leave a lot to be desired.
The main attraction of BuliNet appears to be the chat. Again the user if faced with the same problem of having no instructions on the use, where to write the messages, how can the pages be refreshed, how can you write private messages, and if the system happens to throw you out, your freshly written message disappears. Not all monitors have the capability to support the program which makes legibility a problem. It is never explained what exactly does it mean that system is overloaded, but as often as it occurs it makes one's ability to count on it questionable.
For those who managed to sail over the hurdles and find themselves in the chat will be greeted by a strange scene. Their first ‘surprise’ may be that they will be ignored. Perhaps this is the first sign that what we have here is not a community in a true sense of the word. (Some chats have moderators present 24 hours for the purpose of greeting newcomers and to keep the conversation moving along.)
Perhaps the most significant characteristic of the internet - including Bulinet - is to keep people waiting. I'm talking about situations where two people begin ‘talking’ either in a chat room or in private messages and suddenly one slows down or altogether disappears. It may be innocent enough and the server was slow or the boss appeared, but it is not uncommon that someone simply withdraws emotion and thinks of the chat as a machine and not a person who may be anxiously waiting for long minutes or perhaps hours for their return. They may even feign surprise (‘you mean you were waiting for me?’) yet not offering an apology or explanation – there is no sense of accountability. There are some who merely disappear (perhaps forever) choosing to communicate in somewhat barbaric fashion that they are not interested in what we have to say. Still another case may be where an individual is carrying on conversations in several ‘windows’ with as many individuals. One can just imagine the depth of such conversations as we are, after all, human and not multi-channel machines.
People come to chat rooms - the Bulinet included - to soothe their loneliness. Because of this or perhaps due to this, they have problems communicating - yet the purpose of a chat room is precisely that. What happens when these people, who in real life avoid confrontation, or are unable to express differing opinions land in a chat room? The general audience even at best reflects a rather narrow minded, conservative attitude that becomes obvious from comments if a visitor mentions that (s)he participates in an alternative lifestyle. The same could be said of those who side-step issues by saying ‘I don't do politics’. It is little wonder then, that there is no worthy exchange of ideas in the chat room. Whether or not this is true in private windows I don't know, but I suspect it is no different.
Yet people desire, even need to have the attention/approval of others. An interesting example was when a prostitute happened into the chat room some time ago. She was there for a mere week but the reason she received the most messages was not only because people were chiding or propositioning her - but because finally there was someone who was willing to discuss sensitive topics without hesitation. There were messages arriving for her nick long after her departure - another example for a need of a moderator who could bring up interesting topics for conversation.
Things can also become somewhat primitive at times. Some newcomers feel that obscene language is hip - but the majority will join forces and defend the level of the Bulinet. Still, the newcomer must first negotiate the opening page with its sometimes outrageous messages. Another fact – there is much gossip! Everyone knows (or at least professes to) know something/everything about the others. Yet, this may not be all bad because it leads me to believe there is communication going on at some level.
The quality of the BuliNet, first and foremost, depend on the quality of people who go there. In a survey I did in March of 1999, the majority of men said they had higher, while the majority of women claimed they had intermediate education. The age of the majority of males was between 25-35 while the women were between 20-30. Some of the chosen nicknames are very imaginative, but not the introductory pages which offer little information about the individuals. The men appear to do a slightly better job, at least none claim that they are suffering financially - which is probably true, as internet access is not an inexpensive hobby in Hungary. Those who are seeking long-term relationships appear to be a minority, most people claim they are merely looking for friends. This latter of course is untrue, but it seems risky to admit that you would like to find the person of your dreams, or that you are merely looking for an occasional date.
As to what people are looking for in a mate? A desire for slightly above average looks (height, weight, etc.) and what we've mentioned before - men should be men, and women should be women. The basic requirements are that the person have a stable financial background, be attractive, secure and be without emotional baggage. I repeat, these requirements reflect the societal value systems.
There are several examples, although not many, where couples have found each other. Since there are far more people who use the introductory pages for the purpose of seeking a partner than those who use the chat - I would think the results there are approximately the same as any other similar arena. The chat is much more dramatic. I've no knowledge of a relationship that lasted a year or more there. This should not be a great surprise as relationships here work somewhat in reverse from real life. The first thing we are exposed to is the mind, thoughts of the other person. This may be followed by phone calls and if all is well a personal meeting. This latter may have the effect of lighting! If people had not yet gone into hiding after a face-to-face they find themselves in a middle of a relationship and anything more will be found out by spending time or living with each other. More likely than not, couples find that they don't want to pursue things further.
One reason is that people have fertile imaginations and they tend to create a complete picture of the other person given their written word. Sometimes reality is not quite as colorful. Another may be that the medium tends to make for overstatements. people say things, the other responds at an accelerated level and not wanting to be left behind we ‘out bid’ the last statement. What ‘I love you’ means to my heart is precious, but what does it mean to someone I know little about? I'm not suggesting that people set out to fool each other, if anything we fool ourselves because we want so much for someone to care about us, to love us that we are quite willing to believe or interpret what is said to suit that need. The third reason is the volume. If there are so many of us here, how do I know that I've got the best person I could have? Why not try another and another. . . Humanity by nature tends toward polygamy and that is doubly true for the BuliNet. Naturally, it is tough to be the one who is left for another - especially if they've been searching for a partner for a long time.
Among those who visit to the BuliNet in hopes of finding a permanent partner there is at least one person each week who's a candidate for suicide. The BuliNet - like dog hair to cure dog bite - is there to help and if the individual has the strength to log on, there's a good chance they'll survive. They may wish they didn't if they should encounter the one they are pining after openly flirting with his/her next ‘victim’.
It is very much characteristic of relationships that began on the BuliNet to be rapid and intense in its continuation - among those that I know of, better than half lasted for only one passionate night spent together. However, much longer is the ending. I call this characteristic ‘mending’ - where the partner wishing to end the relationship - whether out of cowardice, pity or insecurity, does not make a clean break with the partner. Rather they drag it on, asking for time to think, finding excuses and just generally postponing the inevitable. In the meantime, the other is incapacitated emotionally, unable or unwilling to begin talking with another for fear of ‘cheating’ on his or her ‘partner’. Sometimes the final and ugly break comes publicly on the chat much to the perverted pleasure of the given audience. The clash of emotions between the partner who was not able or willing to realize that the intention was to put distance between.
Then everything begins all over again most often with a new nick, symbolically at least, destroying the former self. There is an advantage to this of meeting people we've not had a chance to previously. The nature of the media should not remain without comment. The fact that without any checks or cross-checks it can became the intimate version of Auschwitz. After all, how much difference is there between this and how Joseph Mengele may have looked upon the concentration camps where he could experiment on the individuals available without any limitations or accountability.
Intrusions into someone's life without a thought, throwing dirt, or spreading unfounded rumors, things said and done out of the fury of the moment can easily lead to what a dear friend of mine once told me regarding the topic: “In real life, I always give myself without pretenses, believe it or not, but not on the web. Here I play a game because I am afraid.. . . There may be others whose defense mechanism had not been fine tuned to this degree and in that case we cannot be honest with everyone.” Sometimes we need a reminder of Kurt Vonnegut’s words (myself included) before we allow ourselves to get carried away: “A little less love, please, and a little more common decency.”
The BuliClub is a basic requirement for meeting people is a place to meet. The present facility hardly satisfies this criteria, at the Budapest Technical University's club - that reminds me of a third rate railroad waiting room. You can't really converse because of the noise although it had long been promised that the situation will improve. Dancing is a possibility if you don't mind sound and light quality that would have been considered an embarrassment even in the 70’s. All this aside, compliments to the organizers who despite the obstacles manage to create a welcoming atmosphere. The overall feeling still reminds one of a ‘meat market’ where the goal is to become intoxicated as quickly as possible and drag a warm body off to bed. It doesn't so much matter who as we are desperate.
OK, so at times that is the goal. But then, it is morning again. Those are the worst. I should get up. Alone.
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